Inside the women's house

Posted by BH on September 05, 19101 at 18:53:55:

I was told, long ago, that some women
in Saudi are confined to a "woman's house" for whatever
supposed act of unchastity they might commit.

I wonder how many of us lock ourselves into our own
confinement, berating ourselves for all the wrongs of the world, our
families, our societies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I died
No, truth be told, I’ve died several times over in the past month
And I am not sure how to shake off this burden
how to wake the me, inside of me

Sex doesn’t do it, so I doubt drinking will.

I feel guilty for not loving him, and hate him for finding a way to make me
stay. I can’t help it, if my hands push him away involuntarily, if my mouth
closes, seals itself against his lips. He thinks I close other parts of me for
his enjoyment. I don’t. It just does. Wow, FGM without the cutting and the
bleeding. Well, the kind of bleeding and cuts that show, anyway.

I saw myself today, kneeling over a woman robed in her kifan, her last hijab of
her life. Except that woman was me, and it was how I looked, yesterday, last
month, last April, a lifetime ago. It is not the me of today.

I can’t be too angry with him, nobody told me to play with life, to open my
legs. What is that hadith? Whoever can verify the chastity of what is between
his jawbones and his legbones is guaranteed paradise? Except I wonder how much
more dirt I will have to swallow in the name of honor. I was honest last night
when I told him I don’t care who knows that I am pregnant and if they think it
is a bastard child. I just wanted to avoid hasad for my child’s sake, that is
all.

Rumors, well it seems I’ve been the active subject of those lately, so I doubt
that others here will need encouragement from my round belly to say what they
shouldn’t, to think what they like.

I think that is all from the women's house.

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